Successful Dating and Marriage (2)

"How do you tell legitimate hope from unfounded hope? By looking carefully at the facts" -- DR. HOWARD HALPERN.......................................If you were asked to mention the qualities you want in a mate, no doubt you will list all the wonderful human qualities on earth. Perhaps you will not forget to mention that you will like your mate to be loving and caring. Well, that is good. But you start the wrong way. You should have started by asking yourself if you possess those "angelic" qualities in your master list. For example, ask yourself, Am I loving and caring? You see, everyone looks for different qualities in a mate. For instance, what appeals to me, may not appeal to you. No wonder it is said that what is one man's meat is another man's poison.This reminds me of one beautiful lady who loved Socrates the Greek philosopher for his intelligence, and asked for his hand in marriage. She reasoned that they would make excellent children. Because their children would combine her beauty with Socrates' intelligence.But the beautiful lady, a dullard who could not add one and one, forgot something which the ugly Socrates reminded her. "What if our children combine your empty brain with my ugly face?" he asked. And that ended it.So, it means that we should look for a rounded mate. One quality alone is not enough. And we too should posses qualities that our mate should look at and admire. But what questions should you first ask yourself? Am I willing to make a life long commitment to my partner? Matthew 19: 6You don't marry today with the view to divorcing tomorrow, if things don't go your way. Marriage is a life long commitment. God hates those who abandon their mates. -- Malachi 2: 13-16.Am I now physically mature to make sound judgment? -- 1 Corinthians 7: 36Picture teenage couples in a matrimonial wedlock. These ones are still going through changes in their life. Lack of any life experience, coupled with the strong sexual desires incidental to their age, will distort their thinking and judgment.Do I have traits that will help me to contribute to a successful marriage? -- Galatians 5: 22, 23.You should try to cultivate those qualities that you want of your marriage mate. Compatibility is the word. But know that even twins are not exactly identical. So don't even think of marrying a relative in order to make the best out of marriage. And don't think you can change anyone. That is wishful thinking. Try changing yourself first!Do I have the maturity to support a male in difficult times? -- Galatians 6: 2.It is not the time to play the blame game when problems arise. You will agree that we live in difficult times, and this calls for maturity in handling issues. That is why you are two. -- Ecclesiastes 4: 9, 10.Am I a cheerful and optimistic person? -- Proverbs 15: 15If you are a critical, gloomy and negative person, marriage will not change you. Instead you are going to strain the marriage. Why not add some humor to your life by being cheerful and optimistic. Remember, such character repels, and is dangerous to your health. Do I exercise self control? -- Galatians 5: 19, 20.One who cannot control his temper is a dangerous person. He can be violent, and may even kill before realizing it. Would you like to marry and end up in jail for murder? -- Ephesians 4: 26.Questions to ask of your prospective mate.Let's say he is a male, although some of these questions may well apply to a female. What would you want of your male partner?Does he have a good reputation? -- Philippines 2: 19: 22. Yes, the way a man is viewed by others, including those under his authority will enable you to know the kind of reputation that he has. Unfortunately, most good women marry bad men. -- See 1 Samuel 25: 3, 23 --25Does he have good morals?Find out if the man you intend to marry is pretentious. Perhaps he wants to get you just to satisfy his sexual desires. Such persons think of themselves first. They do not even fear God.Does he treat me kindly? -- Ephesians 5: 28, 29.A kind husband would treat his wife in a kind manner. He trusts and praise his wife; he is not excessively jealous and is moderate in his expectations of her. Would that not be how you want your future husband to treat you?Does he respect his family members? Also find out how your prospective mate treats his parents and relatives. If he is rude to his family members, then you should expect trouble from him. But if he is respectful and obedient to his parents, then expect him to treat you lovingly after the marriage.Does he allow anger to control his life?Many families have been ruined by violence. So if your prospective mate is given to fits of anger, that is a clear indication of danger. A woman who marries such a man will be subject to verbal and physical abuse. Do you call that marriage? Does he have right goals?Find out if your future mate has attainable or visionary life goals. For example, does he want to be a millionaire? Will it do him good? Or is it his goal to serve God?So the above questions will help you to scrutinize your mate in order for you to find out if such one has the qualities that are needed to make a successful marriage. Try to look beyond the wedding day. For you are going to live with this person all the days of your life.But now, how can you have a successful courtship?(To be continued)To be continued(EXCERPTED FROM THE BOOK, “SUCCESSFUL DATING AND MARRIAGE.” THIS TEN-CHAPTER BOOK IS AVAILABLE FOR SALE. INTERESTED BUYERS SHOULD CONTACT THE AUTHOR.)ARTHUR ZULU is an editor, book reviewer, playwright, and published author. He also writes short stories, scripts, essays, and poems.For his works and FREE helps for writers, goto:http://controversialwriter.tripod.commailto: controversialwriter@yahoo.comWeb search: Arthur Zulu

Successful Dating and Marriage (1)

“In a high-divorce society, not only are more unhappy marriages likely to end in divorce, but in addition, more marriages are likely to become unhappy." -- COUNCIL ON FAMILIES IN AMERICA. .................................................When Japanese government officials conceived building an airport in Narita, little did they know that the airport will later come to be associated with divorce. Even the engineers and architects, who dreamt up the plan, forgot to dream about wed locks and goodbyes. Morpheus, the god of dreams, did not remind them.Now, the term Narita divorce, has been coined for the newlyweds who on arrival at Narita Airport after a honeymoon, immediately head to the court to file divorce papers. Bad word!Marriages have been known to hit the rocks, the night after the weeding day. Some may wait to happen after the birth of the first child, while others may choose to divorce after their golden jubilee.The story of broken marriages -- marital bliss turned marital misery, is worldwide. And this is happening despite an army of psychologists, psychiatrists, clergymen, and other counselors offering advice on marriage, including a horde of publications on the subject. People have even written best-sellers, offering advice on broken families. Ask Inyanla Vanzant, the author of the book, Yesterday I Cried.Let's get some statistics. Britain has the highest divorce rate in Europe (4 out of 10 marriages), Canada and Japan (1 out of 3 marriages), Zimbabwe (2 out of every 5 marriage) and Spain (1 out of 8 marriages.) Also in Australia, divorce rates have quadrupled since the 1980's, and in the United States and other lands, teenage mothers and children born out of wedlock, have been on the rise.In other countries, like Germany, the traditional family has totally been abandoned. In that country, single persons and individuals account for a majority of the families. And in France, people are marrying less, and divorcing more.The effect of broken families -- the oldest human institution -- is already telling on us. What with the violence that we see around us today? Family disintegration has led to the fall of great empires like Rome and Greece. May it not lead to the end of our civilization! But why are married couples increasingly getting divorce certificates or simply living as roommates, or what has been called emotional divorce? Because they started their marriages with the wrong foot. And head to the wrong people to seek advice -- marriage counselors.These series of articles will help you to get your marriage on a good start, and stay married. Because it will tell you God's view about marriage. And since God is the creator and originator of marriage, he is the best authority on this matter.In these series, you will find answers to questions that you may have asked such as: How can I find a compatible mate? What are the rules of dating? How do I know if I am ready for marriage? What happens on the wedding day? What is needed for a successful marriage? How should disagreements be settled? What is my role in the family? How can a husband get his wife's respect? Why does a wife need her husband's love? Who is the decision maker? What about the children? And many more…But first; folks, let us look out for the dangers in a marriage. Knowing these dangers, like a sailor knowing the location of the hidden rocks under the sea, will help you to find success in your courtship and marriage, sex and happiness.So, what are they? Chapter Two"It seems much easier to fall in love than to stay in love." --DR. KAREN KAYSER..................................................Would you want to marry in haste and repent at leisure? No, folk. May that not be your destiny. But you see, marriage is like a packed theater with some uninterested spectators wanting to get out, and other interested ones waiting outside, wishing to get in.If you think though that marriage can solve all of your problems, you are mistaken. Ask a married friend. But it can give you a measure of security and satisfaction if you play by the rules. But we forget the rules before we rush into matrimony. And when a sailor forgets his navigation rules, he suffers a shipwreck.You see, people enter into marriage relationships with little or no preparation. If you were entering the university for example, you will be asked to sit for a qualifying exam. You may even be asked to show other supporting qualifications like the TOEFL if you were heading for a U.S. university. But these are small things compared to the permanent relationship of marriage. Yet the only requirement in the marriage registry is your signature. Nothing else.However, there are dangers to watch out for just before you append your signature to that marriage certificate. And what are they?Failed ExpectationsPeople think of marriage as a kind of fiction story where the characters "live happily ever after." But it is never so. Because the great expectation of your Sleeping Beauty or Prince Charming may turn out to be a bad dream. The love, attention and support that you badly craved before marriage may turn out to be a tale of rejection and disillusion.IncompatibilityYou may also discover after the marriage that both of you are poles apart -- with different interests. Those characteristics which were hidden before the marriage now becomes manifest. And it becomes a story of "if I had known." (No thanks to mismatch and your beguiling mate!)ConflictYour Happy Valley or Fortunate Isles, now turns to be a battlefield of squabbling, fighting, and God forbid -- physical violence. The very sweet words, like honeycombs which were used to win your hand in marriage now become weapons of abuse and "war."Apathy It may be that you will one day find yourself saying: "I am no longer interested." And then the marriage drags on and on, like a factory worker tolerating a bad job -- to keep body and soul together. And one day, apathy turns to hate, and you find yourself telling your partner that the "game" is up!MoneyDo not deceive yourself thinking that money will make you happy. It does the opposite, says Paul Getty the American millionaire. Now suppose there is bickering over money in a joint venture? Or suppose your previously rich spouse now suffers financial misfortune? And you who were used to summer holidays in the Virgin Islands, and cruising in yachts in the Mediterranean now see poverty and hardship staring at you in the face? What will you do?ParenthoodYou may find out that the love you had for your mate now begins to drop when children start coming in. The reason may be that you no longer have time for each other, or your mate is now getting old. Is it time to sue for divorce?DeceitIt may vex you to find out that you are living with an infidel, a betrayal of trust, and not a friend and confidant. Now, suppose you find out that your mate lied to you about his or her history before the marriage? Or what if you find that your mate was cheating on you -- committing adultery? SexSuppose your partner starts depriving you of sex? Or what if sex, which was supposed for enjoyment now becomes mechanical? Some have even used sex as a bargain tool : Buy me a Swiss gold watch, and I will give you sex!Some wives have woken up after the wedding day to find out that their husbands were impotents, or eunuchs. Husbands have also been told by their wives that they would die if they had sex together. Because they have husbands who satisfy their sexual desires in the spirit world! What would you call that?SuperstitionThis may also affect your marriage depending on where you live. Barrenness, miscarriages, unseen attacks, deaths and broken marriages have been supposedly caused by wicked spirits. Does this bother you? Maybe not. But know that wicked spirits exist.In-lawsIf you allow your in-laws to intrude into your family, they may ruin your marriage. Both of you are now one, and should be able to solve your marital problems without frequenting your parents, or relations for advice.FriendsWhat kinds of associates do you and your mate have? Are they unwholesome friends? They will not help your marriage. Know that bad company can corrupt good manners.These are some of the things may shipwreck a marriage. They may not be the case with your family. But know that there is no perfect family on this earth. So there must be one kind of problem or the other in your family. Now what are required to make a marriage successful?To be continued(EXCERPTED FROM THE BOOK, “SUCCESSFUL DATING AND MARRIAGE.” THIS TEN-CHAPTER BOOK IS AVAILABLE FOR SALE. INTERESTED BUYERS SHOULD CONTACT THE AUTHOR.)ARTHUR ZULU is an editor, book reviewer, playwright, and published author. He also writes short stories, scripts, essays, and poems.For his works and FREE helps for writers, goto:http://controversialwriter.tripod.commailto: controversialwriter@yahoo.comWeb search: Arthur Zulu